Today I disassembled the thing that has meant the most freedom for me, over the last 7 years of my life.
The freedom to self-regulate whenever I need it.
The freedom to take on a few extra tasks, knowing I could come back from it, without days of recovery.
The freedom to prevent meltdowns.
The freedom to process language and ideas.
The freedom to have and process immediate difficult conversations with anyone via backyard, text, video chat, email, phone.
The freedom to have a space of my own, where invitations were asked for before entering, and respected if denied.
The freedom that has been mostly taken from me over the last years, as I began to struggle with many physical limitations. As I began to lose muscle that was protecting my many old ankle and knee injuries. As I began to lose inflammation that was protecting the same injuries, that my body didn't even know it had.
My body struggles. My body finds healing in places I had not known before. My body adapts. My body forgives. My body continues.
We continue together --my body and brain.
My brain tries to adapt. My body tests the limits. My brain tries to reason. My body misunderstands. My brain finds new ways. My body cries, but deals with current limitations. We play instruments. We spin in circles. We laugh with all our body. We wiggle lying down. We dance when both brain and body give the okay. We find ways wherever we can.
We dream of climbing. Everyday. We wonder if our wrists will someday be strong enough. Maybe a dream that can come to light, with the training of a dear friend.
As I begin to heal, to take things slow, I find joy in the minutes I get to spend on my smaller trampoline. We are re-bonding. We are saying that we will take this journey together. We whisper to each other, memories of epiphanies, movements, ideas... forgetting time...forgetting pain.
We grow. We heal. We hurt. We step back. We find different movement. We find joy again. We find processing. We move forward. We stand still. We repeat.
Today I choose. Today I am solidifying my choice. My choice to pass this big, old, worn, glorious trampoline of freedom, to someone I love, who needs this more than I.
Someone who deserves to feel all the joys I have felt, the freedom I have felt, the sky I touched. And to feel so many things of her very own. To process her world in her own ways, on her own terms.